We worked for about five hours, and then Zac said we should listen to all five songs straight through to see if we were pleased with them. After each song he turned to the band and said, "Good?" With huge smiles and glimmering eyes, the boys nodded their heads and said, "Good!"
As the last song started playing, I felt several different feelings coming over me. I've never liked the fact that I cry so easily, and I spent the entire last song fighting back the tears and pushing back the tidal wave of emotions that were crashing over me. It is hard even now that I'm home to sort through it all, but I'll try.
First and foremost, I was completely overwhelmed by Zac's kindness -- both the kindness of the gesture to mentor a garage band from Tulsa, and the kindness he showed the boys when they were struggling to hit their notes or stay on tempo. This has to be the most patient man on earth. Especially when you stop to think about what incredibly talented people he is used to working with. We will be forever indebted to Zac for what he did for us. He is amazing.
Next, I was overwhelmed when I realized, We did it. We really did it. Somehow, dozens of paths converged together to pave a way for us to get Nashville. And then once we got there, the boys really stepped up and did a fantastic job under strenuous circumstances. It was harder than they thought it would be, and they did great. I was so very proud of them.
Finally, it was definitely a full-circle moment for me. If you'll remember from the first several posts, Josh was an athlete. When the third knee surgery ended that path before he was even 16, we felt like we were parked in a dead end. That was a sad time to watch a dream die.
But we didn't know.....we didn't know God had an even bigger dream with an even better ending. I didn't know Josh was musically talented to be completely honest. I can promise you that this past week was more fulfilling to Josh than if he had won several championship football games. Who knew?
What's troubling to me, though, is that I've had lots of "but I didn't know" moments in my life, yet I still doubt God's plan and faithfulness sometimes. And I still worry that things won't turn out the way I think they should, the way they obviously should, if they were going to turn out "right".
When Todd applied to OU medical school and didn't get in, we were disappointed and confused. But we didn't know that the OSU Osteopathic medical school was going to be a much better fit for our family. Josh was six weeks old when Todd started medical school and going to OSU rather than OU allowed us to stay in Tulsa near family and friends rather than having to move to Oklahoma City. We were especially thankful for this when we had two more babies in quick succession.
When it came time to apply for residency programs, Todd had decided he wanted to be an Ears, Nose and Throat doctor. He chose that specialty mainly because he thought it would be family-friendly, and there was a program in Tulsa that took one person each year. He set his sights on that thinking it would be great to not have to move our family somewhere out of town. He still had to list a second choice though. I was getting ready for bed and he told me he was going to put radiology as his second choice. In the morning, he told me had changed it to anesthesia. It didn't matter to me -- I figured he would get the ENT spot. He didn't. We were going to have to move away somewhere with three small children.
But we didn't know God had an even better plan. Todd ended up doing anesthesia at UAB in Birmingham. We didn't know that was one of the most prestigious programs in the country, and we didn't know how much Todd would enjoy being an anesthesiologist. We didn't know the St. John anesthesia group specifically tried to recruit new employees from the UAB residency which made our return to Tulsa pretty seamless. We didn't know how much our little family needed to move away from Tulsa and spread our wings and fly on our own for a while. We didn't know we would meet the McCrarys at Red Lobster and they would be lifetime friends who would set up a "green room" for the band at their house when we were on our way to Nashville to record a CD. We didn't know....
My question is, how many "I didn't know" moments do I have to have before I learn? I can be having a "full-circle moment" with one child while worrying about the path of another. Why is it so hard to trust God's plan for us when we can so often look back and see how the crooked road was the way to the blessing?
I'm glad the boys had a great week, and I can't wait to hear the finished CD, but my take-away is even bigger than that. Over a period of five years, I walked a road with Josh that was shrouded in a foggy haze of intense physical pain and desperate soul searching. And just because I couldn't see far enough down the path to catch a glimpse of the blessing, I doubted God's goodness and faithfulness. I'm not proud of that.
So this is what the past week meant to me and how I want it to change me going forward.....I don't want to have anymore "but I didn't know" moments where I humbly wonder how a lifetime of faith can still be so fragile. I don't want to waste one more moment thinking, ridiculously, that God doesn't know what he's doing, or doesn't know what's best, or doesn't know me at all for that matter. I don't want to shy away from challenging or even painful experiences thinking the easy road is the right road. And I don't want to be so ready to believe that what obviously seems to be good for my child is actually what is best for my child.
Ultimately, my prayer is that our week in Nashville has changed my "But I didn't know" to "God, I trust you do."
Beautifully said Joli! The "I didn't know" could be all of us, especially me. So many times I too have had things all worked out, but God had something far better planned and I am still so surprised when it happens. I guess we are all "works in progress" and we won't know until we meet Jesus face to face. I can't wait to hear the CD!!!
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