Along Came Katy

Last summer, while on a family trip to Colorado, Todd and I wistfully remarked that this may be the last vacation we take with the five of us together. Since we had one son in college and another leaving that upcoming August, we were keenly aware that either summer internships would prohibit them from being able to join us in the future, or else newly kindled romances with girls they met at college might prompt requests to bring extra people along. With that thought in mind, and a touch of sadness in my heart, we made a concerted effort to soak it all in and fully enjoy the end of an era and possibly the last family trip with just us and our three kids. Unfortunately, this not-so-great selfie is the one and only picture of all five of us that I have to commemorate the occasion. (We were reverently admiring the miraculous staircase at the Loretto chapel in Santa Fe.)

As predicted, both of my boys have serious girlfriends now. But while that was easy to foresee, something totally unexpected has transpired. 

Initially, my maternal instinct was to view girlfriends as a positive but fragmenting development in our family. Of course I wanted my boys to date, get married and start their own family, but it seemed obvious to me that this would be our loss and their gain. In my mind, our family was like a cell that is destined to divide and multiply simply because that's how God created and ordained it be. My overall attitude about it was, "It's all good and the way it's supposed to be, but just brace yourself for the inevitability of it." 

And then, along came Katy. Katy is my oldest son Josh's girlfriend. They are sophomores at OU which means we get to see them fairly regularly due to their proximity. My first memory of Katy was meeting her at Mi Cocina last spring. She, Josh and Todd were already there when I arrived so I introduced myself to Katy, gave my son a quick hug, and took my seat at the table. Before I knew a single thing about her, there was something pervasive and unmistakable about the vibe at that table...my son was so happy. 

After a long and grueling first semester of his freshman year, I cannot overstate how refreshing it was to see my son smiling again. This was my first significant lesson of parenting a young adult child through the dating process (assuming it is a healthy relationship) — when they are happy, you are happy, and their happiness trumps your own. When Josh flashes that dazzling smile, my heart swells with joy, and I realized that night how little I had seen him smile lately. I was fully aware that Katy was the reason for this new spring in his step, and for that I was eternally grateful.

It didn't take long to see why Josh was so enamored with her. She is beautiful and sweet with a laid-back demeanor. She is soft-spoken yet strong and always up for a fun adventure. When she has been at our home, she is helpful and humorous, inclusive and interested in other members of the family, and all of a sudden I find that I'm getting pretty attached. This was my second lesson to learn about this stage of life — girlfriends have the potential to complement and supplement the family, and fortunately for us, Josh had chosen one that did. 

One of the things about Josh and Katy that is so precious to me is the way they act like they really want to spend time with us. About a month ago, they asked us to come to church with them one Sunday morning, so we drove over to Norman and spent the day with them. After church they needed to study and planned to go to a coffee shop. Wanting to spare them the awkwardness of showing up at a college study hangout with their parents, we offered to do our own thing for a while until they were ready to go to dinner. To my surprise, they wanted us to come along. 

As we walked into the Gray Owl, which was packed with college kids, it was hard not to notice that Todd and I were the oldest ones there by about 20 years. We ordered our coffee, sat at the last available seats and settled in, the kids with their laptops and us with a newspaper. As I looked around, I was overcome with gratitude that Josh and Katy were not too embarrassed to take parents with them to the coffee shop. I paused to take in the magnitude of the moment because it meant they just wanted to be with us. Okay maybe they just wanted us to buy their coffee, but still, they wanted us to come and I was humbled and honored by that simple gesture.  

This was parenting lesson number three — being included at this stage is not your right anymore, it is a privilege. It is a gift and a blessing that they give you, and when you get invited, you go. To be completely honest, Todd and I had considered taking a nap at Josh's house while they studied, but if your college-age son and his girlfriend say they want you to come to the coffee shop with them, you don't pass those things up. 

You don't pass it up because those moments are the cornerstones of the foundation that will support our future relationship with them, and I want to do everything I can to be certain those stones are cemented together with a love that is unconditional and always available. In addition, I want the ties that bind us together to be more like colorful threads that enable us to feel stitched together and held snug when we need it, yet they are easily unwound and loose enough to allow each one to roam free with confidence knowing they are still securely attached to the spool.     

When Josh and Katy were finished studying, they wanted to show us a new park in Norman before we went to dinner. We happened to get there just in time to witness the end of a beautiful sunset and the beginning of the super blood moon lunar eclipse. As Todd and I strolled hand-in-hand a few yards behind them, I couldn't help but notice that this felt a little bit like a double date. I'm not sure if Josh and Katy would have defined it that way, but from my perspective, there was a clear shift in the dynamics; we were not as much parent and child as we were older and younger adult, and I was totally okay with that. No, let me rephrase that...I loved it! What an exciting new season of life, and even more fun that it caught me completely by surprise.

Since Luke goes to school farther away at CU in Boulder, I haven't had the opportunity to spend as much time with him and his girlfriend, but we did get to meet her over Parent's Weekend. Her name is Mary Beth, MB as we affectionately call her, and once again, we think she is darling. It is so exhilarating to begin to understand that the arithmetic of my sons' relationships is addition rather than subtraction These girls are adding to our family rather than taking away, and this mom couldn't be more excited to watch how it all unfolds.
When we were all together in Boulder, it was especially fun to see the interaction between Katy and Mary Beth and the way they included our daughter, Anna Kate, who is used to being the only girl around most of the time. Anna Kate loved having the gender ratio a little more in her favor, and we were so thankful that our boys had used such good judgement and discernment when choosing a girlfriend.

Looking forward, I have no idea if these girls are "the one" for my boys. They are still very young and have a lot of life to live before they decide these things. But since Todd and I started dating when we were 15, and we were engaged by the time we were Josh's age, I'm never one to dismiss young love. Whether these girls are around for a season or a lifetime, I can tell you this — both of them have already impacted me in ways they may never know. They each have life stories that have touched me and inspired me and will stay with with me forever no matter whom they choose to marry.

So as expected, a lot has happened since our last family vacation, both in my boys' lives and in my heart. If I had to sum it all up in one sentence, it would be this...when I made my reservation for our family vacation next summer in Colorado, I booked a bigger condo happily hoping that both girlfriends will get to come along.   

       

My Happy Hurting Heart

One morning last May, I walked out of my house and I immediately felt it. There was a monumental and seemingly premature shift in my world. It was unwelcome but undeniable, and I pondered how one night, one son, and a cap and gown could throw my equilibrium so off kilter. I was now the mother of a high school graduate.

I didn't expect my child's graduation ceremony to make me feel so different. It wasn't me who was graduating after all. And we still had the whole summer ahead of us before we moved him to Norman. So nothing had really changed yet, right?

Wrong. He felt it, I felt it, and thus commenced a beautiful but complicated dance with new steps and different music and neither of us really knew for sure who was leading. This resulted in a very clumsy performance (on my part mostly) where we carefully tried to learn the new routine and place our feet just right, yet we still managed to step on each other's toes a couple of times. 

I don't want to give the impression that this was a summer of discord in our home. There were no big arguments or heated exchanges. Josh and I have a great relationship and he has always been very loving and respectful. It's just that this transition from being a child under our roof and under our authority to being an independent and responsible adult on a college campus doesn't happen overnight. 

To be honest, any agitation that happens during this time is probably God's design. A gift really. It's that little bit of friction that ignites the spark needed for the imminent launch to adulthood. While I didn't feel quite ready or willing to send my firstborn off to college, it was clear the time had come.

As we were moving him into the dorm, the reality began to set in and a little bit of panic started rising up inside of me..... Have I prepared him well for this, taught him everything he needs to know, bought him everything he needs for college? And then more personal and probing questions....Did he love his childhood? Will he look back on his life at home with fond memories? Or does he harbor any bitterness or resentment for my parenting mistakes? If so, is it too late to fix it?? Does he think I was a good mom??? Is there a way to stop time right now because I'm not quite ready!?!

He's only been gone two weeks now and you want to know what I miss the most (besides that dazzling smile)? Dinner. Let's face it, once kids get their drivers license you rarely see them again. Suddenly family vacations become more about the uninterrupted time together than about the destination. And that's pretty much how I came to feel about dinnertime.

I used to hate to cook. I didn't know how to and didn't want to learn either. As my kids grew, however, I came to see how important food was to them (especially the boys). I soon realized that cooking was not only a way to nourish their bodies but it was an inroad to their hearts and a doorway to their minds. I slowly began to teach myself simple recipes and over time ventured out to try more complicated ones. I dare say I think I eventually became a decent cook. And what I once used to despise ultimately became my most treasured time of the entire day.

It would start at about 4:30 on school days. I would make my way to the kitchen and begin to get out everything I needed to cook dinner that night. I have a tiny galley kitchen but my saving grace is an enormous window about ten feet wide that looks out over my front yard. Our driveway forks and one side goes straight into the garage but the other side curves around and ends directly in front of that kitchen window, and this is where the kids park their cars. Because we have a gravel driveway, I usually heard the kids coming home from school before I saw them. The crunchy sound of their tires hitting that Oklahoma river rock heralded the end of a calm and quiet house and announced the arrival of chatter and energy and life.

I can genuinely say that I never neglected to pause and soak up that precious moment. Last year it was particularly poignant because all three of my kids were in high school together and it was Josh's last year at home. The days that they all came home in the same car were my favorite. My heart filled with joy as I watched my loves spill out of the car one by one, each entering the house with their own unique style of "Hi Mom!" Which was immediately followed by "What's for dinner?" Usually then Josh and Luke would collapse on the couch and Anna Kate would join me in the kitchen to help prepare the meal.

On a side note, the boys gave me one of my favorite gifts this past Christmas -- an iron dinner bell. I was going to hang it out on our back deck but they insisted it be hung in the kitchen. And if your teenage boys buy you a dinner bell and want it to be hung in the kitchen, then that's exactly what you do. It has been fun for the practical purpose of calling everyone to the table with a loud gong, but what that dinner bell symbolizes is why I cherish it the most. It is a tangible and visual reminder of the invisible yet integral connections that happen around a family table.

Once dinner was ready I would ring the bell and we would all come together for that sacred hour of food and fellowship. I am convinced that this was the single most meaningful thing I ever did for our children. It was the one time of the day, circled around our table, that we were truly able to pause the chaos of life and enter in to a peaceful time of sharing and bonding with one another.

I love the way Henri Nouwen explains it:

"A meal is more than eating and drinking. It is celebrating the gifts of life we share. A meal together is one of the most intimate and sacred human events. Around the table we become vulnerable. The table is the barometer of the family. What happens during meals shapes a large part of our memories. As we grow older we forget many things, but we mostly remember...these special moments around the table [because] they stand out as vivid reminders of the quality of our lives together."

It usually only took us about 15 minutes to eat, but we often lingered at the table long after the food was gone. Sometimes our conversations were deep and philosophical, sometimes we mulled over the significance of current events, but most often it was simply "So how was your day today?" "How did that test go that you were worried about?" "What did your coach say about your game last night?" "What's going on this weekend?"

These seemingly mundane questions are actually the stuff of life. And strangely enough, it is what I miss the most. Josh and I are very close, and I feel confident our relationship will evolve and adjust to the new norm. But the reality is that from now on I will only get the highlight reel, not the play-by-play account. And quite frankly, this is where I'm struggling. Simply put, I miss sharing the nuances of everyday life with him. He has new friends I'll never meet and he'll have new experiences I'll never hear about because by the time we talk it will be old news. And this is right and normal and wonderfully healthy, but sad for this momma who remembers this as though it was yesterday:

But must accept the reality that that little boy is now this young man:

Leaving Josh in Norman was one of the most intense and complex conundrum of emotions I have ever experienced. I have never been in a situation where I spanned the whole spectrum of joy and sorrow wrapped up in one big tidal wave that came crashing down on me all at once. This is what we raised him for, and I am bursting with pride at the amazing young man he has become. He was ready and happy and this is his time...I was just wishing that time hadn't come quite so quickly.

On the way home from Norman I pulled up a picture on my phone of Josh and me standing together in his newly assembled dorm room. I looked through tears over every detail of the photo and reminisced about each thing we had purchased to make his room as cozy and homey as we could....the foam topper sure helped soften up that thin plastic mattress, the throw blanket at the foot of the bed was so soft and would be handy if he wanted to nap, that clip-on lamp by his bed sure was being persnickety and wouldn't stay pointed in the direction he wanted it to. I continued to scan the picture and I saw me looking tired and haggard and sporting a very unconvincing smile, and then Josh standing so tall and strong yet looking a bit dubious about the whole situation himself.

And then I saw it. I'm not sure how I didn't notice it before, but there it was.....his Bible. He had carefully and purposefully put it right beside his bed. The sight of that Bible welled up all kinds of emotion inside me for many different reasons.

To begin with, that Bible was given to Josh at a very special dinner on his 16th birthday. Todd got the idea of the dinner from a book he read called "Raising a Modern-Day Knight." We chose his 16th birthday because we figured once he got his drivers license, his freedoms would increase exponentially, but so would his temptations and opportunities to make critical decisions. It is a pivotal time in life where choices made begin to have bigger consequences.

At this dinner, which was a complete surprise to Josh, Todd gathered together all of the men in Josh's life who had influenced and mentored him up until that point in time. The purpose was to edify and affirm the person he had become, and also challenge him to strive for a life of compassion, service, character and integrity going forward. Each man wrote him a letter and they each read a portion of it that night. They were letters offering seasoned wisdom and advice as he took his first steps into manhood.

At one point Todd told Josh to look around the room and remember each of the faces there. "These are the men," he explained, "who are cheering you on from the sidelines. If you ever have a problem that you don't feel comfortable talking to me about, you can go to one of these men and I trust that the counsel they give you will be sound. These men are amazing role models for you, and you can always look to them for guidance, friendship and support."

Well, each of those men signed their name inside Josh's new Bible that night as a testament of their loyalty and love for him. And now those signatures, and the spirit of their intent, sit beside his bed every night inside the cover of that cherished Bible. My heart is so full.

The other feeling I had when I saw that Bible on his desk was that maybe, just maybe, by the grace of God, I had done something right as a mother. One thing I've learned from my children is that their journey to faith is their own. Their own choice, their own passion, their own pace, and their own personal relationship. They have their own path for getting there and the way they cultivate their faith is unique to each child. But if I had any little morsel of responsibility in pointing him to the trailhead of his lifelong walk with God, even in the midst of my failures and inadequacies, then I will have done something worthy and eternal in the life of my child. My heart is so grateful.

And finally, I say these things with deep humility knowing that a Bible by a bed doesn't equate to a Godly life. There is no pride in saying my son took his Bible to college. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is because I know that he is imperfect and unsure that I'm so thankful he knows where to go for redirection or reassurance. It is because I know that he will occasionally make mistakes and have poor judgement as he makes his way through college on his journey to adulthood that I'm so glad he took his road map for getting back on track. It is because I know that he will have moments of homesickness and feel inadequate and overwhelmed by school work and uncertainty about his future that I am so happy he knows where to go to find words of encouragement and love. My heart is so humble.

The night before we moved Josh into his dorm, he and Todd were going to join me in Norman (I had gone a day earlier for sorority bid day) and we made plans to meet up at a local Italian restaurant for dinner. Since it was a nice evening and I had time to kill, I went to the restaurant early, took a book and sat at a table on the front patio awaiting their arrival.

Soon a young couple came out of the restaurant and was headed to their car when their son, who looked to be about three years old, broke out into giggles and ran behind a brick column. "Come get me!" he teased as he poked his head around one side of the column, then ran to other side and did the same. The mom started toward him and he evaded her grasp long enough to squeal out one more giddy "Come get me!" with the kind of exuberance only a toddler can muster. Just as the scene was warming my heart and bringing fond memories to my mind, the dad snatched the boy up with a rough grab and a tough voice and told him to "get in the car right now!"

Look, I've been there...I understand that feeling of exasperation. Maybe their son likes to play this game every time they get in the car. Maybe he was a terror at the table inside the restaurant. Maybe the dad had a stressful day at work or is consumed with worry over a sick family member. As the famous quote says, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
 
Even still, looking back I wish I could have found the courage to say to him, "Excuse me, may I ask a favor of you? For his sake, for your sake, or even just for my sake, would you please take a moment and go chase your son? Because tomorrow I'll be telling mine goodbye."

But I Didn't Know...

Friday was our last day to spend in the recording studio with Zac. This was going to be a big day where everything would be polished off and pulled together. We were so excited to see how it all shaped up. It was a hard day though. At the beginning of the week they had decided to put the song they wrote the day before we left on the CD, but because it was brand new they were not as familiar with that song as they were with the others. It needed more attention to detail and Josh was learning how to sing it for the first time. This was the song we worked on Friday, along with more back-up vocals, harmonies and a little bit of piano.

We worked for about five hours, and then Zac said we should listen to all five songs straight through to see if we were pleased with them. After each song he turned to the band and said, "Good?" With huge smiles and glimmering eyes, the boys nodded their heads and said, "Good!" 

As the last song started playing, I felt several different feelings coming over me. I've never liked the fact that I cry so easily, and I spent the entire last song fighting back the tears and pushing back the tidal wave of emotions that were crashing over me. It is hard even now that I'm home to sort through it all, but I'll try.

First and foremost, I was completely overwhelmed by Zac's kindness -- both the kindness of the gesture to mentor a garage band from Tulsa, and the kindness he showed the boys when they were struggling to hit their notes or stay on tempo. This has to be the most patient man on earth. Especially when you stop to think about what incredibly talented people he is used to working with. We will be forever indebted to Zac for what he did for us. He is amazing. 

Next, I was overwhelmed when I realized, We did it. We really did it. Somehow, dozens of paths converged together to pave a way for us to get Nashville. And then once we got there, the boys really stepped up and did a fantastic job under strenuous circumstances. It was harder than they thought it would be, and they did great. I was so very proud of them. 

Finally, it was definitely a full-circle moment for me. If you'll remember from the first several posts, Josh was an athlete. When the third knee surgery ended that path before he was even 16, we felt like we were parked in a dead end. That was a sad time to watch a dream die. 

But we didn't know.....we didn't know God had an even bigger dream with an even better ending. I didn't know Josh was musically talented to be completely honest. I can promise you that this past week was more fulfilling to Josh than if he had won several championship football games. Who knew?

What's troubling to me, though, is that I've had lots of "but I didn't know" moments in my life, yet I still doubt God's plan and faithfulness sometimes. And I still worry that things won't turn out the way I think they should, the way they obviously should, if they were going to turn out "right".

When Todd applied to OU medical school and didn't get in, we were disappointed and confused. But we didn't know that the OSU Osteopathic medical school was going to be a much better fit for our family. Josh was six weeks old when Todd started medical school and going to OSU rather than OU allowed us to stay in Tulsa near family and friends rather than having to move to Oklahoma City. We were especially thankful for this when we had two more babies in quick succession. 

When it came time to apply for residency programs, Todd had decided he wanted to be an Ears, Nose and Throat doctor. He chose that specialty mainly because he thought it would be family-friendly, and there was a program in Tulsa that took one person each year. He set his sights on that thinking it would be great to not have to move our family somewhere out of town. He still had to list a second choice though. I was getting ready for bed and he told me he was going to put radiology as his second choice. In the morning, he told me had changed it to anesthesia. It didn't matter to me -- I figured he would get the ENT spot. He didn't. We were going to have to move away somewhere with three small children.  

But we didn't know God had an even better plan. Todd ended up doing anesthesia at UAB in Birmingham. We didn't know that was one of the most prestigious programs in the country, and we didn't know how much Todd would enjoy being an anesthesiologist. We didn't know the St. John anesthesia group specifically tried to recruit new employees from the UAB residency which made our return to Tulsa pretty seamless. We didn't know how much our little family needed to move away from Tulsa and spread our wings and fly on our own for a while. We didn't know we would meet the McCrarys at Red Lobster and they would be lifetime friends who would set up a "green room" for the band at their house when we were on our way to Nashville to record a CD. We didn't know....

My question is, how many "I didn't know" moments do I have to have before I learn? I can be having a "full-circle moment" with one child while worrying about the path of another. Why is it so hard to trust God's plan for us when we can so often look back and see how the crooked road was the way to the blessing?

I'm glad the boys had a great week, and I can't wait to hear the finished CD, but my take-away is even bigger than that. Over a period of five years, I walked a road with Josh that was shrouded in a foggy haze of intense physical pain and desperate soul searching. And just because I couldn't see far enough down the path to catch a glimpse of the blessing, I doubted God's goodness and faithfulness. I'm not proud of that.

So this is what the past week meant to me and how I want it to change me going forward.....I don't want to have anymore "but I didn't know" moments where I humbly wonder how a lifetime of faith can still be so fragile. I don't want to waste one more moment thinking, ridiculously, that God doesn't know what he's doing, or doesn't know what's best, or doesn't know me at all for that matter. I don't want to shy away from challenging or even painful experiences thinking the easy road is the right road. And I don't want to be so ready to believe that what obviously seems to be good for my child is actually what is best for my child.  

Ultimately, my prayer is that our week in Nashville has changed my "But I didn't know" to "God, I trust you do."

How Much Is A Dream Worth?

Zac told the boys to get a good night's sleep and be ready for a long day. I think he plans to record well into the evening tonight (Thursday). Right now Josh is doing his electric guitar parts. 

Since there are only so many pictures you would care to see of these guys in the sound booth or playing their instruments, I'm going to back track to a part of the story I haven't had time to tell yet. 

If you'll remember, once we decided not to sign a contract with Stuart, I wrote to Zac about my idea to just get these guys to Nashville to record their music. Mainly I was asking him where we would do that and how much it might cost. I had no idea he had a studio in his house or that he would be willing and/or able to record them himself. When he called back to say he could help, he explained the recording studio situation and the costs to me. It was going to be very expensive. Very. Especially if you added trip costs to that total.

This is where my heart and my mind went to war. I was beyond excited that I figured out a way to get this band to Nashville, and the scenario was far better than anything I could have ever even imagined. But the cost of it seemed both irrational and insurmountable for a garage band. This is the point where, for most people, the dream would have died. But I just kept thinking, "How much is a dream worth exactly?" 

After much consideration, I came to my conclusion: A dream can't be put in a box or a budget. A dream often doesn't make logical or financial sense, which is why so many dreams go unfulfilled, I think. Maybe that's why a dream is called a "dream"....it's unrealistic, ethereal, a little fuzzy, and always just beyond your reach. I decided if an ideal opportunity was so perfectly laid out before us like this, money and logic were not going to hold us back. We were going to reach out and grab it. 

Now to convince Todd of this.....

As I waited for Todd get home from work, I practiced my "pitch" that I would give him hoping I could convince him to get on board. I knew that none of the four families could really afford the cost, even if we split it four ways. Todd knew this as well. So when I made my pitch, it was with us covering most of the cost and the other families doing whatever they could. When I finished giving him the most convincing spiel I could offer, he laughed and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not paying that much money just for you guys to go to Nashville and have a fun week." My heart sunk. But I totally got it. 

Let me explain what he was saying and why I totally got it. As far as Todd and I are concerned, recording a CD in Nashville IS the dream. The End. We have no grandiose ideas that this week is going to launch them to fame and fortune, and we aren't disillusioned into thinking they are more talented than they really are. So in that sense, he was considering to what end are you spending all that money for? On the surface, it does look like all you are getting is a really fun time. End of story. 

But the more I explained to Todd how incredible this opportunity to be mentored by Zac was, the more he started catching the spirit of the dream as well. Case in point, this is just one of the really cool things hanging on the wall in the studio:

This is where Todd's wisdom came in. He said he could get on board with the idea, but he felt strongly that it wouldn't be right or fair for us to foot the bill for everyone else's part just so we could help our son's dream come true. He said each of them needed to be personally invested in it, including Josh. This would require them to work for it, and additionally they would feel more ownership in the deal. He said if each kid/family would contribute $1000, he would cover what was left, which would still be a substantial amount. I completely agreed. 

I COULD NOT WAIT TO TELL THE BOYS. We sat them down that night and explained the offer from Zac and the financial situation to them. We told them that they would each be responsible for $1000, and if they could come up with more than that it would be even better. The catch was, Zac needed a yes or no answer right away because he was going to set aside a week on his calendar, and he needed their music ASAP so he could start working on it. They either had to be all in or all out. You either committed to $1000 each, or not. There was no halfway on this deal. I told them all to talk to their parents and we would reconvene the next day to see where everyone stood. 

The next night, we got back together at our house and everyone told me their status: yes, yes, yes and yes. Everyone is all in! Oh my gosh....this is really happening.

Now they had to figure out how to come up with $1000 a piece. They said they had $300 in a band account from previous gigs, so they were already down to $925 each. :) But that is still a lot of money to come up with. And as I said before, we made it clear that $1000 each was the minimum....the actual costs for recording and CD printing were still more than that, and the more they could help the better. Plus gas, food and a hotel in Nashville for a week would not be cheap. We had some work to do. 

I laid in bed that night trying to brainstorm ways to fundraise. I was really torn about this because I was worried that asking people for money would be tacky. But I kept coming back to all the times I have given money to my friends' kids when they were raising money for a class field trip to Washington DC, a band competition, a soccer tournament in New Jersey, or a walk to raise money for a cure for diabetes. I have bought poinsettias and discount cards and gotten my car washed when it wasn't dirty just so I could help out a neighbor, a friend or a cheerleading squad get where they wanted to go.

Even wiith this in mind, I couldn't figure out a way to ask people to donate to the band's cause without feeling weird or guilty or embarrassed about it. Finally, I identified two factors in all of the above scenarios that made them seem more legitimate: 1) They were associated with an official school, group or organization; and 2) They were offering a product or service. 

Well, concerning #1, I had to lean on my new life motto, "It is what it is." We are not doing this through a school or a team or an organization. Not much I can do about that. It is what it is. Moving on. 

Regarding #2, they needed a product or service they could offer. Well, being a band, that one seemed easy....hold a fundraising concert. We had done that in our backyard before; we will just do it again. Then, serendipity surprises us again. Some friends of ours, Ralph and Daniele Bushong, had just moved into a house downtown that looks more like a loft apartment. Talk about a coolness factor. But even better than that, they have a rooftop deck that looks out over the Tulsa skyline. They offered their rooftop for the fundraising concert. Wow. Really fun idea. 

The only problem with the concert idea was that it was limited in its scope of how many people would/could come, and it most certainly was not going to raise $4000.00. Then we had a breakthrough......someone had the idea to set up a fundraising page at gofundme.com. This is a website where you set up a personal page explaining what you are raising money for and people can donate by credit card. I really liked this idea because we could ask for donations, and at the same time we were offering both a service and a product. Our service was entertainment at the fundraising concert which could be announced on the web page. Our product was a copy of the CD if you donated $50 or more. 

The band and I designed our web page at midnight one night, got it online, and we had our first donation within about 30 minutes. We were in business! The only limiting factor with the website was getting the link out to friends and family. Each kid and their family was given the charge to get the word out and rally their troops. We all put the link on our Facebook pages and emailed anyone we thought might want to support the band. We could see who was supporting us as the donations started rolling in. It was pretty amazing how fast they started coming. It was so fun to watch the boys light up when a donation was made by one of their friends or family. It was as if you could see them thinking, "My team is pitching in and doing their part. My friends and family are cheering me on." 

Everything about the fundraising concert was perfect. The rooftop was a fun and unusual venue, it had an amazing view, and it was strangely cool for a July evening. The picture on the main page of this blog was taken that night. The cutest thing was that the Bushong family set up a concession stand and they gave all the proceeds to the band. Both teenagers and adults came, and the night culminated with an unobstructed view of the fireworks over Drillers Stadium. We are so grateful to Ralph, Daniele, Jessica, Jacob and Juliana for being some of their biggest fans, and especially for providing a way for them to raise money. That night they made $750. THANK YOU BUSHONG FAMILY!

When we left on Saturday, I added up the total on the "go fund me" website with the cash and checks that people had given us, and then I added what they had made at several gigs they had done in the past few weeks. Would you believe the total was about $5000. Kind of amazing what these guys did when they put their minds to it. I also love to see the things people can accomplish when their actions are fueled by their passions. Magical things can happen when those two things are paired up. They are still a few hundred dollars short of the total recording/CD printing costs, but I'm thrilled with where they ended up. 

I am especially thankful to the boys' families who have contributed to both the recording and the trip costs. Their support means the world to the kids as well. Since the parents can't physically be here in Nashville, their financial contribution is their way of saying, "Son, I'm with you. I'm with you in heart and in spirit and in love. Take one week out of your life and go live your dream."

So in the end, as we are wrapping up our week in Nashville, if you asked me or the guys how much a dream is worth, I'm pretty sure you would get the same answer from each of us. It's priceless. 

Fleshing it out

Today (Wednesday) was pretty much more of what we did yesterday, but the excitement just keeps building as everything is starting to take shape. Songs I wasn't crazy about before are really starting to grow on me, and the songs I loved before are even better. We finished acoustic guitar tracks and did more lead vocals. We even did some back up vocals and harmony. 

I'm laughing as I realize I'm writing "we" as though I did anything. I often catch myself doing the same thing if I ever talk about how "we" went to medical school and "we" did a residency at UAB. That's definitely how it feels though. 

As I said before, I'm "riding tandem" with The Tandems, and I feel like I'm peddling just as hard as they are, so "we" just seems to fit sometimes. 

I tried to get a picture of everyone doing their thing today, so moms and dads of the boys, here you go:

When it's not your turn in the sound booth, you are doing this:

And here is my vantage point:

Not a bad place to spend a week, huh?

We finished up at 4:00pm today because Zac's son was in a musical tonight. We had talked about going back to do more after he got home but he felt like we were right on track so he said to take the night off. He told the guys to check out Fanny's House of Music:

It really was a house.

Of Music. 

And a picture of Andrew E's cousin was on the wall:

And some of them bought clothes:

Then we went to Loveless cafe for dinner:

The boys got to play games while we waited for our table:

Everyone was particularly impressed with Andrew E's perfect corn bag throwing form:

And then there's the obligatory wooden cut-out photo op:

Right now I'm enjoying a quiet moment in my room while the boys are swimming or hot tubbing or something outside. 

We start tomorrow at 11:00am and he said he was going to push them pretty hard tomorrow. Should be a fun day!

Living the Dream

Yesterday (Tuesday) was an amazing day. We were supposed to be at the studio at 10:00am. Andrew Beasley was the first one up to record the bass. He cranked his part out pretty fast on all five songs and it was laid down on top of the drum track. I don't know if I'm using all this music jargon correctly, but you get the idea. After all five songs were done with bass and drums, it was finally time to start fleshing them out with guitars and vocals. This is where it got super fun because the songs started to really take shape. It is pretty incredible what good sound equipment and an extraordinary mentor/producer can do. 

Zac has been unbelievable with these kids. The suggestions he makes are absolutely perfect and are just what the song needed. He is gentle and encouraging and is really bringing out the best in each of these guys. He is also very careful not to change their vibe as a band. They are learning so much! Every evening at dinner we kind of debrief about the day and it is fascinating to hear them talk about all the things they have learned while in the studio. I have really loved this time with them each day....lots of laughter and chatter and reflection. 

Boys before we got started:

Zac working his magic:

Here is Josh in the recording booth working on the guitar track. Do you have any idea how happy that smile makes me?? There is no better feeling as a parent than watching your child live their dream. Worth all the effort. Worth every penny. 

Here are Josh and Andrew E. sitting outside the studio practicing some of the changes. 

Josh got stung by a bee shortly after I took this picture. Ouch. 

The guys were in the studio for about 10 hours yesterday. Here they are right before we left for the night. Looks like they still like each other :)

I forgot to post this picture from Burger Up that I thought was so cute. Cousins and Friends...

Day One Down

Yesterday (Monday) we started the day off right at the Pancake Pantry, a Nashville tradition. Yum. We didn't have to be anywhere until 2:30pm so we got to do a few fun things after breakfast. We stopped by Belmont University which is one of the top music schools in the country. Someone said it was recently ranked above Juilliard. 

Then we went to Corner Music Store where the boys jammed out for a while in the acoustic guitar room. 

Next they wanted me to take them to Third Man Records which is Jack White's record label/record store/concert venue. The guys loved this. 

Before we went to the studio they wanted to work on some of the changes Zac had made to their songs so I pulled into a church parking lot and they practiced right there. 

Finally, it was the moment they had all been waiting for for months.....their first day in a real recording studio. As I said before, Zac has a studio in his house, but he does not record drums there, so we met him at a studio on Music Row called Omni Sound Studios. Rory was the drum expert at the studio and he was so great with these kids. 

I loved getting to see the looks on the guys' faces when we walked in. A real studio that they were going to record in! Very cool. Here they are getting Aaron's drums set up. 

We started recording about 3:00pm, and I got to stay in the sound booth and watch how everything was done. The other guys were in there too playing their parts which were not officially recorded but were used to provide scratch vocals and guitar for Aaron to follow along with. They started out by playing the song for Rory so he could establish the tempo and set a "click". This click is like a metronome that Aaron would follow along to when he recorded the drum track. Staying perfectly timed to the click is harder than you might think!

Rory and Zac watched intently on monitors while Aaron was recording, adjusting things and stopping to make changes and offer advice. Sometimes Aaron would be slightly ahead or behind the click, but he was perfectly and consistently ahead or behind it so Rory could select that section on the computer and shift it a tiny bit so it lined up with the click. 

This session was was incredibly tedious and precise. The drum track basically becomes the metronome now for all the other instruments and vocals, so it had to be done perfectly. There were times it sounded good to me but Zac and Rory picked up on things my musically ignorant ears couldn't hear. 

I think the intensity of this five hours was a little stressful for Aaron, but he was a real champ. You have to imagine him sitting alone in a room for hours on end with six people looking at him from a glass room waiting for him to perform his part perfectly. On top of that, he said after every take he would look up and see everyone talking, but he couldn't hear a word we were all saying unless Zac stepped on the pedal to open up the mic so he could talk directly to Aaron. Aaron said it was a little lonely in there. I was so proud of him. 

One bad thing was that we had eaten a late (and large) breakfast at Pancake Pantry about 11:00am. At 2:00pm, I asked the boys if they wanted to stop for a snack before we went to the studio. They said they were still full from breakfast so we didn't eat anything at that point. That was probably a mistake. As the band manager ;), I probably should have made them eat something. Aaron was recording drums from 3:00pm to 8:00pm, and I'm pretty sure the pancakes wore off around 5:00pm. The studio did have snacks, but Aaron probably should have eaten something before we went. It didn't really matter as much for the other guys, but that was a long session for Aaron. 

Overall, the drum recording session was probably harder than everyone was expecting. As Zac keeps saying, these boys are really "green" and they have never had anyone mentor them or push them to be their best. We are not nearly the caliber of talent that Zac is used to working with. With that said, I would have to be his biggest fan at this point. There were times I knew were frustrating for Zac but he didn't show it. Every piece of advice or change he made was followed by an affirmation, and he treated them as though they were professional musicians. 

We finally finished up around 8:30pm and went to Burger Up for dinner. When the waiter came to our table, he asked us if we had eaten there before. We said no, so he asked if we were from out of town, where we from, and what brings us to Nashville. Don't you know the guys loved saying, "Oh, well, we came to Nashville to record a CD." 

The waiter perked up and said "Oh yeah? What's your band's name? I'm going to keep up with you guys." Little things like this only add to the fun and are once in a lifetime experiences. I'm so thrilled for them that for one week in their life they really are "living the dream." 

Last night when we were finishing up dinner, one of them said, "Thanks Mrs. Beasley for doing all of this for us. You're a trooper." I said, "Are you kidding me? I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to get to be here with you guys." And I truly meant it.